“8 (1) A family dispute resolution professional consulted by a party to a family law dispute must assess, in accordance with the regulations, whether family violence may be present, and if it appears to the family dispute resolution professional that family violence is present, the extent to which the family violence may adversely affect
(a) the safety of the party or a family member of that party, and
(b) the ability of the party to negotiate a fair agreement.
(2) Having regard to the assessment made under subsection (1), a family dispute resolution professional consulted by a party to a family law dispute must
(a) discuss with the party the advisability of using various types of family dispute resolution to resolve the matter, and
(b) inform the party of the facilities and other resources, known to the family dispute resolution professional, that may be available to assist in resolving the dispute.
(3) A family dispute resolution professional consulted by a party to a family law dispute must advise the party that agreements and orders respecting the following matters must be made in the best interests of the child only:
(a) guardianship;
(b) parenting arrangements;
(c) contact with a child.”
This particular duty presents an excellent opportunity for professionals to introduce collaborative family law as a possibly cost reducing option and an effective means for resolving family disputes.

Nasty Hurricane Andrew

In August 1992, Hurricane Andrew went bananas. Like a drunk on too many Tequilas, he tore into South Florida with wind gusts of 175mph, redrawing the landscape. Approximately 600,000 homes and businesses bore the brunt of his menacing and destructive actions. By the time Andrew left, he had run up a tab of $26 billion dollars and left behind some very angry insurance companies. Andrew was responsible for the second highest insurance payout in history, surpassed only by that associated with September 11. Many insurance company consulted their crystal balls and decided the future in Florida was too unpredictable. So, while they covered the claims, they refused to renew policies.

State Farm Had a Different Opinion

State Farm looked further and assessed the reasons why these homes had been so vulnerable. Hurricane Andrew had blown roofs off because contractors had not anchored them to the frames of the homes. Then, having taken action to understand the situation, State Farm paid out the policy claims and also paid for its customers to bring their buildings up to code. This insurance company was willing to make sure their customers had peace of mind should Andrew or one of his family come visiting once again.

Families can be Like Hurricanes

When crisis strikes a family unexpectedly, it can blow the roof off, leaving family members exposed and vulnerable. When a family has a good internal structure, the roof stays anchored and in place, regardless of the turmoil going on outside the family home.

Which Brings Us to the Three Most Important Words

Webster’s Dictionary defines the word “Client” in the following way: “A client is one who comes under your care, guidance and protection.” This definition places the emphasis on us, as professionals, in our relationship with you, to care, protect and guide, as you recover from unexpected events, assisting you in rebuilding your family to achieve a new and more enjoyable standard of living. When the unexpected blows the roof off, leaving you needing care, guidance and protection, please allow us to bring you and your family to a new, and improved standard of living.

Imagine you are living 3,000 years ago. Your job is to bring food to the battle front. You arrive to find the army quaking with fear, deadlocked in a standoff, afraid of being badly beaten by the opposition.

The enemy is daring your troops to send out their best fighting man to settle the dispute one to one, with the victor claiming the entire spoils. Your army believes that no matter who they send, it will be a losing battle. As a shepherd boy, you are an unlikely warrior, untrained in this type of battle. Regardless, you volunteer to fight. Everyone on your side is relieved, cheering you on, and offering you well-meaning advice.

Up Against a Larger Force

Should the outcome be risked on one undersized shepherd boy? The opposition is sending a giant, armed with superior weapons and shiny armor. This is a mismatched fight from the beginning.

Winning epic battles against the odds will require thinking outside the box.

Creative thinking, alone, will only generate random ideas, and will still need a focused strategy to make it work. To increase the odds in your favour, you will also require knowledge, superior decision making skills, and a system to apply your decisions, as problems are never one size fits all. So what do you do when you do not have the skills and tools needed?

Feel Like Giving Up?

So, what do you call someone who refuses to give up? Tenacious? Courageous? Resilient?

Enter the Hero

Perhaps your definition of a hero is a champion who persists in the face of lousy opportunities for success, to achieve the goal. When we experience adversity, rarely is a successful outcome possible without a long trail of failures and collateral damages.

What is the Difference between Failure and Winning?

We are taught to be tenacious, have courage and keep on trying, as if continuing to work harder, while doing the same things, will bring a different outcome. Greater effort is only useful when we already know what we need to do, and how to get over the finish line.

On the other hand, if we do not have a recipe or system to follow, we are likely headed for intense frustration.

A Qualified Coach Will Make All the Difference

Don’t waste another second being upset. A competent professional will assess your situation, and apply a system for resolving the problem facing you, so you can get on with what is most important to you.
Find a coach, find a system that will work for your situation, and start enjoying your new life.

Here is instructive wisdom about conflict resolution from a philosopher of war and a philosopher of song.

The warrior-philosopher, Sun Tzu, 6thC BC

“To win without fighting is best” The Art of War

The Art of War was written over 2,000 years ago. It is the classic treatise about the roots of conflict and its resolution; optimally, without going to war. Sun Tzu advises that the superior general achieves his objectives without the risk and cost of war. Sun Tzu’s teachings continue to influence military, business and political strategists today.

Sun Tzu was a Chinese warrior-philosopher. He takes a rational, rather than emotional, approach to the problem of conflict. He advises that understanding,

• ourselves
• those with whom we are in conflict
• those we choose to champion our cause, and
• the “the lay of the land” (paraphrasing), are essential to successful conflict resolution.

Moreover, Sun Tzu advises us to invest the time, energy and money to acquire those understandings before developing our strategy and before undertaking any tactical steps. Doing so may avoid the risk and cost of battle and achieve our ultimate goal.

The relevance of Sun Tzu’s wisdom for spouses needing to settle the parenting, legal and financial terms of their divorce is obvious. While The Art of War has a foundation in moral philosophy, it is fundamentally about the strategic advantages of taking an informed, self-interested, courageous, humane and most importantly – rational – approach to conflict resolution.

The philosopher of song, Leonard Cohen, 2016

Turning now to the emotive prayer of a Canadian philosopher of song, Leonard Cohen, Treaty, 2016.

And I wish there was a treaty we could sign
I do not care who takes this bloody hill
I’m angry and I’m tired all the time
I wish there was a treaty,
I wish there was a treaty

Between your love and mine.

At www.DivorceRoadMap.com we are dedicated to helping you

I. Win without fighting.

II. Negotiate your treaty.

D. Art Kewin, M.A.(Psych.), J.D., CFP
LEGAL AND FINANCIAL COUNSEL
Direct T: 604-536-1895
Counsel@DivorceRoadMap.com

However, sometimes that “smart money” choice leads to an astonishing waste of time, energy and money. How can that happen when mediation and collaborative law are specifically designed, and the professionals are specially trained, to help spouses save time, money and energy when negotiating the terms of their separation?

A common cause of that waste is “stonewalling” by one of the spouses or by their lawyer. If either of the scenarios described below arises, and if reason and better informed self-interest, do not overcome stonewalling, then pursuing out-of-court settlement is a fool’s errand.

Scenario I: Spouse “A” may,

• Exploit spouse “B”’s commitment to reach a non-litigious settlement by protracted avoidance, hiding assets or procrastination during the mandatory disclosure process. Their motivation is typically fear and/or ignorance about better options and of the true cost of avoidance, procrastination and fraud.

• A spouse may perceive – correctly or incorrectly – that they “win” by doing nothing. They may also think they will be worse off if they settle. Therefore, they stonewall to preserve the status quo.

Scenario II: Spouse “A”s lawyer may,

• Assume that mediators and collaborative lawyers practice superficially. In particular, without the rigor of financial and legal analysis required for litigation. Unfortunately, that assumption is sometimes well founded. Nevertheless, creating a fair, reasonable and financially realistic settlement requires the same level of timely disclosure and due diligence as preparing a case for Trial.

• A common litigation strategy when lack of diligence is perceived is to do nothing for a long time. Then, deliver a massive data dump and short notice Court application. “Trial by avalanche and surprise.” is the term of art.

When stonewalling persists, the legal option is to sue in the Supreme Court of BC. That option is very expensive in time, energy and money. However, it is less expensive than pursuing a fool’s errand.

There are other circumstances, for example violence or fraud, that require the protection of the Courts. However, most senior family Counsel and Judges agree that very, very few family cases need the on-going supervision or protection of the Courts.

D. Art Kewin, M.A.(Psych.), J.D., CFP
LEGAL AND FINANCIAL COUNSEL
Direct T: 604-536-1895
Counsel@DivorceRoadMap.com

Blog provided by Dr. Jen of The Counselling Group in White Rock
http://counsellinggroup.co/jens-journals/alcohol-is-it-a-problem/

What you choose to do now, will affect the children forever, so please choose carefully. Their tender and vulnerable lives are in your capable hands.

This One Thing . . .

All competent experts agree upon is what your children will be feeling during the separation and divorce process. Whether your children admit to it or not (many will try to be strong and well behaved in order to try and protect relationships), the dominant emotion all children experience during the process is intense fear. These little people were conceived with love in the hearts of their parents and were not prepared from birth for the tensions and conflict that come with challenged parental conflicts.

What are Children Afraid of?

Children faced with parental conflict and separation are living in fear of . . .
Loss of relationship with one or both parents;
Loss of predictability and control over their futures;
Changes in routine;
Changes in the place they will be living;
Changes in the school they will be attending;
Changes in the friends they will (or will not) be able to maintain contact with;
Changes in the family dynamics, including loyalty conflicts (no matter what they tell either of their parents);
Changes in the economic outlook, including a potential loss of vacations, sports extras, their college fund, (all of which could be swallowed up in legal fees).
The children are afraid of all this and more . . .

What are Caring Parents to Do?
The Financial and Parenting Plan documents are the two most important aspects of any family separation, regardless of whether the parents intend to get divorced or not. How well these documents are prepared and adhered to will have the greatest long term effects on the children and the family, leading to peace and balance or conflict and chaos.

What is a Good Financial Agreement?
It starts with one clear document listing all the financial instruments. This document is best created by one neutral financial professional (NFP) working closely with the couple. Each person provides all your financial documents and meets with the financial professional to discuss your current situation, and your ideal desired outcome. Throughout the process, you are likely to have questions, and the neutral financial professional will be pleased to provide answers to your questions while you work towards solutions for the best outcome possible.

Many people have 3-way meetings with the NFP’s. In these meetings, both partners meet with the NFP to discuss their finances. This is an opportunity to hear and be heard, to clarify misunderstandings around rules and regulations, and to get onto the same page for creating a solid agreement.

In the process of gathering and clarifying the financial information, the financial professional teaches the couple about the rules and regulations that apply, filling in any gaps in knowledge. Understanding tax rules that apply when money changes hands or assets are sold, knowing what kind of pensions are held and the options and restrictions attached to them, knowing what the home or businesses are worth and understanding “guideline income” for support calculations are some of the issues you need to clarify before you can negotiate a solid financial agreement.

A solid, clear financial document creates a level playing field for decision making. You and your team are all working with the same information and that dramatically reduces the chances for confusion and conflict.
A solid Financial Agreement provides the family with Safety and Security.

What Makes a Good Parenting Plan?
An effective parenting plan is a document that outlines how parents will raise their child after separation or divorce. There are many differences in what constitutes a good parenting plan and which strategies are less effective and harder to deal with after the fact.
Clear parenting plans do not have to use legal terms or be difficult to understand. A thoughtful, well considered plan will become a living document that can be tested, then revised as the needs of the family and the children become more clear and adjustments are made.
Parenting plans typically focus on describing and preparing for parenting arrangements such as:
• How important decisions affecting the wellbeing of the children and the family members are made; • What information is communicated and how it is shared between the parents;
• What activities each parent will participate in, and when each parent will be the “parent on duty” with the child; • How parenting concerns, conflicts, and issues will be addressed and resolved.
A well-considered parenting plan will reflect the needs and interests of the child and reduce conflict between parents by having clear guidelines and reasonable expectations.
Research has demonstrated that children adjust and cope more successfully with their parents’ separation or divorce when parents have the skills and are able to co-operate with each other.
Effective parenting plans consider the ages and developmental needs of the children involved and outline strategies specific to these needs and developmental goals.
A professional parenting plan checklist will identify issues to consider when developing the plan for your family.

You Know Your Child Best . . .
We believe that parents know their child best and will have the greatest positive outcome on the process, if provided the opportunity to be involved. There may be some issues in the checklist that do not apply to your situation and there may be others not listed that are unique to your situation.

We are Trained for You and for Your Children
We can all work together for the children because children and adults need Peace, Family Stability and Predictability.
Peace includes parents who have resolved their issues and will create two homes for the children.
Family Stability includes quality time with both parents, their extended families and close friends.
Predictability includes an understanding of where the children fit in each of your homes and your new adult lives.
When you are challenged to find safety, calm and a more reasonable approach to your need for a good plan, please pause — then ask yourself if you would be willing to allow us to assist you.
With a well thought out, professionally prepared plan for the care of the children, and appropriate protections of family finances in place, you can avoid entirely many of the typical complications separating families face. Your current wellbeing and the future of your family will depend upon this step.
We can meet with you at your place, or at one of our offices in New Westminster, Surrey or Vancouver.

Patricia Lalonde, CFP, QM, NFP Mediator,
Neutral Financial Professional
P@PatriciaLalondeCFP.com 604-605-3149

Gerry Bock, MA, RCC
Mediator, Collaborative Coach (Child Specialist), Co Parenting Coach, and Parent Coordinator
gerry@bock.ca 604-574-6555

The Problem . . .
In a contested separation and/or divorce, it is typically very challenging to keep the feelings and animosity towards the “other” party from negatively impacting the child or children involved. The negative feelings and chaotic adjustment often “spills over” into a lack of support for the parent/child relationship of the other parent, or possibly, outright alienation.
Custody disputes often lead to contested disputes, and/or court, and typically involve some form of parental gatekeeping gone badly in the wrong direction. All too often, this ends up with the emotional well-being of the children being damaged.
Numerous studies and research have shown that children of divorce have improved long term adjustment when they are able to freely enjoy a supportive and quality relationship with both parents.
At issue is how well will each of the parents support and sustain the relationship between the “off duty parent” and the child, or children involved, without harm to the child, from the choices that the adults make and how the child is supported in the adjustment process.

What is Parental Gatekeeping?
Research has demonstrated that children typically function and adapt the best when they have positive and engaging contact with both parents.

Gerry Bock, MA
Registered Clinical Counsellor – Collaborative Divorce Coach (Child Specialist) and Parenting Coordinator
Telephone – 604-574-6555

E-mail gerry@bock.ca

Positive and supportive parental gatekeeping serves to protect the relationships in the family unit and improves both the development and adjustment in children as they go through the process.
The exception for positive gatekeeping, is in cases of imminent threat to the physical and/or psychological safety of the child.

According to the published research:

• If mother is content with fathers’ parenting then fathers are typically more positively involved in child’s life.
  • This “content” factor occurs most frequently when there is low conflict within the family.
• Negative maternal feelings towards paternal side often results in diminishing involvement from the father.
• Mother’s attitudes towards father’s parenting post-divorce is frequently associated with the father’s attitude and treatment of the mother & child during the marriage.

Parental gatekeeping problems occur during the separation and re-negotiation of the parental responsibilities. Power struggles negatively affecting the children will occur when one parent has difficulty letting go of parental responsibilities and access at the same time that the other parent is attempting to broaden and deepen his or her role with the child, making the negotiation process challenging and litigious.

Which Factors Influence the Best Interests Assessment of the Child?

The following criteria are considered when assessing the best interest of a child:

• Love, affection, and the ties that exist between the child and all relevant parties (parents, guardians, siblings, etc);
• The ability of all parents and guardians to give love, affection, & guidance:
• The ongoing ability to support education plans, culture, community activities, friendships, religious beliefs, and important family values;
• Providing food, clothing, shelter, and medical care;
• The ability and willingness to cooperate with other caregivers;
• Possibility of neglect, and abuse;
• Compliance with court orders, and/or mutual agreements made;
• History of child abuse and the potential that it may occur again:
• Conflict between the child and the guardians, past and present;
• Ability and willingness of all parties to encourage and maintain the child’s relationship with extended family/friends, and to be involved in the child’s school activities;
• The identification and support of emotionally healthy values in all parties, including the values of the children involved;
• Mental and physical health of all parties;
• The wishes and preferences of the children, except where it would be inappropriate to consider them;
• The presence of and ongoing exposure to any type of violence.

But you can put positive steps into place to help deal with the stress involved — both your own and that felt by your kids.

• Don’t go it alone. We all need emotional support to combat feelings of isolation and even depression. Along with legal help, enlist the help of trusted family members or friends — not your children — for much-needed release of anger and frustration. You could also join a support group in your community to learn from the experiences of others. Search “single” (for single parent groups) or “stress” in the We can find support section.
• Help your children heal. Your kids need to feel love and acceptance — especially now. Reassure them through verbal communication (such as explaining to them that even though the family is changing, they still have two parents who love and support them) and non-verbal actions (spending time with them, and being extra affectionate when they need it). Also, remember that kids use their parents as a guide, so watch your words, expressions and actions when they’re around.
• Prioritize decisions. Some decisions will need to be made sooner rather than later — like finding a new place to live or possibly a job. However, other decisions can be put off “until the dust settles,” including going through a career change or starting to date again. Know which decisions are pressing; but give yourself time for those that can wait.
• As much as possible, stick to your routine. Try to keep to your normal routine in order to create a feeling of stability for yourself and your children. For example, if you swim on Wednesday nights, continue to do so. For kids, order and continuity will help ease their worries and they’ll find comfort in knowing what’s on the schedule for tomorrow or the weekend.
• Stay healthy. Sometimes a change in family life triggers a change in eating, exercising or sleeping regularly. To keep your physical and mental energy up, remember to eat right, make time for fitness, and get good quality sleep.
• Take steps to ease the signs of stress. While you may not be able to avoid stressors, you can give your body and mind a break. Try this stress-busting exercise, take a few minutes to practice deep breathing, or find a meditation exercise that suits you.
• Focus on the future. When the time is right, imagine your future. Think about where you want to be and then figure out what you need to do to make it happen. For example, if you dream of living in another city, research jobs and housing in that community and start laying the groundwork to make your dream a reality.
• Stay positive. Don’t think of yourself as a failure. While your marriage may have ended, use it as a learning experience. Concentrate on your positive qualities and how much you’ve grown as a person. By staying positive, the future will look brighter and you’ll be able to move toward it more quickly.

Get professional help
Nobody expects you or your children to handle the stresses of a divorce or separation alone. Just like a lawyer for legal advice, your healthcare professional can help with advice and recommendations during this difficult time. The same goes for your children, especially since some children may be more open about their feelings with a counselor than with their parents.
http://www.morethanmedication.ca/en/article/index/split_decision

provided by,
Grace Morin
Morin Law Corporation
15245 – 18 Ave.
Surrey, BC V4A 1W9

As people we have differing views, opinions and backgrounds that we bring to the table in any given situation: men and women think differently and problem solve differently; we were all raised in different kinds of circumstances and in different kinds of families; and the needs that we are each attempting to get met are different. No wonder we have conflict!

So the goal then is “how do we resolve conflict and keep the relationship intact?”

I will offer a solution using a formula that I was taught in graduate school on how to be a good therapist: Show Up, Pay Attention, Tell the Truth, and Let Go of the Outcome.

Show Up. Be present and start the conversation. Fear stops most people from even addressing the issue.

Pay Attention. Be mindful of yourself and the other person and be a good listener. Really try to hear what the other person is saying.

Tell the Truth. Be honest and as accurate as you can. Even if you are confused or don’t know, be honest about that.

Let Go of the Outcome. This is probably the single most important thing. In any interaction if we are too attached to the outcome or getting our own way, we cannot be fully present or be open to the process.

Following these steps should be helpful in resolving conflict. And if first you don’t succeed, try try again!

by Jennifer Hammersmark, Ph.D., R.C.C.

provided by,
Grace Morin
Morin Law Corporation
15245 – 18 Ave.
Surrey, BC V4A 1W9